just checking in, thought I'd have a peek around. I'm trying to reformat alot of my songs into mp3 but I cant cause I dont know how. I heard itunes can help you with that. but anyway, yeah so uhm when I get that shit up and running I'll for sure post the myspace music link to it.

ps if you have myspace, add me http://www.myspace.com/yourejustasimmature

You look at me through eyes of glass and we collide with a vision of stark romance you look so deep then I fall asleep heavy are the eyes of those who look like me
Well we drink and smoke we drink and smoke the night away, we drink and smoke and you take my breath away
And you look so good in blood and chardonnay and with your eyes bloodshot you smell like smoke and rain and quiet times of childrens games and all I think of is you and the way you look when you wink at me and tell me how I seem
a rock show and a cigarette we know we're made for this This is not a contest of who's the prettiest after sex and you think you're dreams are of me well I'll tell you now things arent as they seem you're really dreaming of the figment-me, I'm not reality you see
I'm just a part of you and me together in a bottle, a message in the sand, these hands are really works of art through years of alcohol and heart, these fingers touch my soul and now for you, I'll tell the truth.
I'm not real through this glass, this melted sand that make my mind go mad, I can't look inside your eyes without crying and through years I see now you're not me, I'm real.
Well drink with me we'll drink and smoke I'll drink with you Light a cigarette and we'll remember this forever We are a part of eachother.

You speak to me with a tongue of honey and eyes disguised as gasoline, I can be your ignition and light you on fire. We can be in love for this hour, but when the lights go out it's just you...

four in the morning and it seems a little late but it's too early to party too tired to get laid and Im feeling kind of bored and confused by the world but maybe if I grow more and get kind of older things will change and it will be too late.
When the earth grows tired of our self absorbed lives, Los angels will finally burn while we toss and turn not knowing where the edge is.

cosmetic sleep and fucked up dreams we walk the earth alone hand in hand you slit my throat and watch me bleed through wicked words and drunken speak, evil floats among us and we don't know the way. Take my hand, and kiss these scars you're such a proverbial slut broken bones and wisdom slow us down and raise us up. I'm just too stoned and out of luck to sullen and drunk to be fucked up. Speak to me through cheap liquer and ordinary rust we are just a cloud of grown up dust clogging the engine and learning to breathe.

cigarette smoke and cheap champagne what a wonderful day

PS christmas sucks. busses arent running.

hey everyone. I just need to put my shit on the net so I dont have to print it off. Dont read it if you dont want to. If you DO decide to have a read, please realize this is not all one piece. These are different items.

And my heart wears scars that heal on the soul and I wish for freedom outside these windows And the frost that freezes my heart and keeps me far apart from home The birds have flown far from their homes and the world is left empty

Dreading, wetting and its so upsetting Oh you’ve gone away I wish you would stay how I need a good nights sleep Is this what you want? Is this what you need because all I wanted to say was good bye and good night.

By choice you’re nothing but a whore he said
As he took a drag from his cigarette
You’re just a fucking slut with a case of bad luck
He wiped his tears and screamed
I hope you die a painful death
Because you deserve nothing more but blood stained breath
I know now that nothing’s as it seems
I thought it was love but I found it was torture
Just empty packs of cigarettes and coffee liqueur

I just want to live again she said
I fucked him ok? We fucked in this bed
I fucked him to fuck you over
He was better than you I know this now
I need more than a kiss and a drink
To get the sweat on my brow
Well what the fuck did you think
You’re fucking pathetic
She said, as she watched him cry
You’re nothing to me.

I’m standing at the edge of the world
And I’m runnin on empty
I’m standing at the edge of the world
And it seems kind of hard to say but I’m
We’re living in the moment looking back makes us old
Because if we live in the moment we never have to grow
We change day to day but right now we’re the same.
And I’m losing faith again
I’m losing faith in the human race,
I’m losing faith in you now
Soon we’ll die, without a trace
You’re all dead
Dead to me now.
So let me hear your voices calling
Come on show me what remains
Of decent human beings
And what is it we’re seeing
Broken bones and city lights
Broken hearts and shattered nights
We are all the same
Neglected and ashamed
And all I said and what you knew (You never said a thing)
And Ill burn this city down
Drown this town in gasoline
I’ll watch it burn to the ground
Just to show you what I mean
Fire, Rage, Sex and Desire
You praise the lord and call me a liar

It feels so cold like yesterday when we were young and full of faith
before the death and revenge of our hopeful youth
we had to make the world a better place
We were beautiful until we realized we were only a minority
Stars watched over us and we knew that we were not alone
through the crisp autumn nights
The moment we grew up came as such a surprise
Now we wander the empty grey and greed
knowing in our souls and in our minds we were born to lead
And the fire that was in our hearts burn in our stomachs
and the passion for what we believe in smolders below our bleeding lungs
Remember when they would pretend to care
and we rebel, angry fists in the air
Fuck that, this was all only yesterday but it seems so long ago
before the bitter cold of age and sorrow
blew us away and stained our proud, angry ways
And before we grew to hate this wicked little town
we stood in the sandbox growing to be who we are today
You were such a soldier before your pride was stepped on
and now we all fight the war
Battle through the pain the hate and blood and gore
We dropped our idealistic plans for life
and the ideas that sharpen the knife
because they told us we need to grow, fight the fight
to get us through the night

Oh it seems to be getting late and I feel Ill have to pull you over let you feel the cold and sorrow of what we are today and oh I know you feel the burn of democratic odds and I don’t know just what to say but I think it’s time to feel the pain and what you know is what they say but if you look the other way youll see that things cant be this way and I don’t know if I should say it You know there’s no tomorrow if you keep on getting older feel the way I do inside Lets look inside your mind And what the world knows and what we can let them hear wont make a difference in their eyes They don’t know whats wrong from right despite the things we do to make them look and see just what we’re tryna prove don’t walk away Make them hear what we have to say
Well what are you trying to prove don’t make mistakes and run away, who do you think you are, changing things and leaving me. What makes you think you’re better than me who are you trying to be And how did we get this far, how did we get this far?
The morning comes to wash away all my sins and all the pain, wake the lonely for the day All the hate and all the stained go forth into this fire pit and work your life away make amends lead the way The children of the night don’t be afraid sleep in darkness watch the waves of media coming close for our daughters Please don’t be afraid

k thanks.

I want like 100 tshirts made.
My top 5 tshirt sayings (so far):
-Smoke Cigarettes-
-I'm stupid-
hungover.
keep smoking. i want you to die.
-A7X-

I also discovered this band. The Pink Spiders. Check them out http://www.myspace.com/thepinkspiders
Soo good. The song "Modern Swinger" is SO catchy!! I fucking love it.

last kiss: Uhm...like a week ago?
last cigarette: five minutes ago.
last good cry: cries are never good for me.
last library book checked out: Interview with the vampire by Anne Rice.. I think.
last movie seen: new? Cold Mountain.
last book read: Heavier Than Heaven by Charles Cross.
last cuss word uttered: It was more or less a string of cuss words "for fucks sakes' fucking cunts hope they rot in fucking hell goddamnit."
last beverage drank: ginger ale
last food consumed: a rice cake with peanut butter
last phone call: dad, no answer.
last tv show watched: like five minutes of Corner Gas.
last shoes worn: my favourite rotten black vans
last cd played: Funeral - Arcade Fire
last item bought: a bunch of earrings and barbells from Silver Sense
last download: Till Death Do Us Part - Skylar Blue
last annoyance: static hair.
last disappointment: Thomas being angry with Christian for breaking up with Brandon.
last soda drank: ginger ale...
last thing handwritten: a poem
last word spoke: "for sure." (regarding amanda coming over)
last sleep: uhm last night until 9:30 am this morning.
last IM: Amanda <3
last weird encounter: Ian Worm, my brothers friend whom I havn't seen since I was like 8.
last ice cream eaten: probably bubblegum.
last amused: Last night when Thomas told me this 10 minute joke. The punch line? "hey hey, clown, hey clown, shh."
trippin on drugs?: Fuck, I dont even remember. A long time ago.
last time wanting to die: Like two weeks ago.
last time in love: Never.
last time hugged: Sunday, when Thomas went to go jam and I went to babysit.
last time scolded: Yesterday when Mr.F gave me shit for spitting ritz crackers in this asshole kids' face.
last chair sat in: This one.
last lipstick used: I don't wear lipstick
last shirt worn: My Circa Surive shirt I think.
last time dancing: Fuck... I dont know. I dont dance.
last poster looked at: My napoleon dynamite poster I got from Christian<3.

1 MINUTE AGO: The anticipation of Amanda coming over was killing me.
1 HOUR AGO: I was eating a rice cake.
1 DAY AGO: I was in school.
1 WEEK AGO: I was anticipating going into s'toon to see thomas.
1 YEAR AGO: I was horribly depressed, and packing up for my move to Ontario.

1. What do you most like about your body? my head
2. And least? my shoulders.
3. How many fillings do you have? 2
4. Do you think you're good looking? Yep.
5. Do other people tell you that you're good looking? nope.

FIRSTS
First job: I dont even remember.
First screen name: Who cares?? I don't remember. Ive had the same MSN address since I was 8.
First funeral: No idea.
First pet: Can't remember much of my childhood.
First piercing/tattoo: aside from my ears, my lip.
First credit card: N/A.
First Kiss: Billy, Kindergarten.
First one that mattered: None.
First love: None..
First enemy: I'm not one for enemies, but I do know alot of people that don't like me.
First big trip: ? I dont know.
First concert: I don't remember. FIRSTS SUCK!
First musician you remember hearing in your house?: Probably Van Morrison. My moms favourite.

ok this is some other stuff, it's not as good but you can have a look. Comment please, criticize. Do what you must.

I knew this entrance to the end was coming close
I feel the rain touch my hand this is all I know
The sun goes down and we fall asleep
Heavy hearted weak
I feel the hate of envy leaking in my dreams
I want you to know don’t deny me now
I need you more than ever
These things I see I don’t know how
I want your touch forever
Feel my skin, cold, blank and damp
I didn’t know I was here for this
Don’t let me miss
Take this broken, tortured hand
Take me to the end (this is how it ends)
Now I’m alone again
I took your trust and set myself apart
You looked down on me then fucked my heart
And now I lay here open
What is this?
A hollow death wish
Just watch me die (I’m just asleep)
I just want to tell you what I think is right
I’m screaming on the inside
To say believe me when I say I love you

Through her sorrows and unkind words She relies on heaven since what they want her to see and what she already knows will repent and She will show us the better way. When the world will look away I know you’re there to save me, you’ll help me through this. Because the sun comes up and I feel Ive become more than what exists, and as the day goes on I disintegrate into nothingness. I feel my skin, and broken bones turn to ashes and I fade away. Let the night turn me into what is real and we will know right from wrong Lets just make a deal, and seal it with a kiss. I feel Ive become I feel Ive become whats more than real, what I am is this…

I feel Ive become another plastic gun, another broken heart alone in a wicked little town. And those kids with their wrists scarred and broken, if we could only mend their hearts and make the world a better place, instead we turn away. You’re just a monster, a whore, if all you ask is more, where do we go from here? What do you ask of me? What a miserable place, commercial and wicked, industrialized children grown into men. A line of suits and ties, lined up to die. They’re just a bunch of kids with guns, grown tall and acting polite. Where will they go tonight? I feel as if Im locked up tight, nowhere to sleep and I feel as if Ive been forced to cry these blood red tears of American Pride. So don’t walk away now Im sorry for Im sorry for what ive done right and everything gone wrong. What can I say in a world full of censorship that will make you feel alive? Sorry for your life and all the things I’ve said and all I things I mean. Im sorry for what Ive said. But this is how I feel. So fuck you and all the things gone wrong this how I pay for your sins and you knew it all along. I live for your regrets, you know the truth it’s in your eyes, your lies are broken by what cannot remain, savage is the heart that kills its only child Oh how you stain me, break my broken wings.

The souls on fire but it just won’t burn,
my heart’s on fire but it just won’t learn.
The sex keeps on giving and it takes away the pain,
the sex keeps on drilling, driving me insane.
Let me feel my hollow scars,
rip and tear into what we are.
Let me take a shallow breath,
and tear my heart from my breast.
I didn’t know love was made for you,
a horrid game made for two.
So, just cut the fucking strings and drop the puppet,
I fall and heave blood stained puke into a blood stained bucket.
How romantic, Your twisted, silly antics.
Watch, this is the part where I rip in two,
One for me, and one for you.
My heart in one, my mind in the other.
One, a bitch and one, a lover.
I’m left with an empty rib cage, hollow and alone
So you can have my bloody heart all to your own
Just drop me off somewhere dry and warm
So I can tear my fucking wings let them dry and deform
It’s like a pick axe to the head, chipping away
Evil swarming around like Satans Ballet
You watch me cry and take such fucking delight
Just toss me in the middle of a goddamn bullfight
Let the horns tear me up from ass to neck
Leave me like a fucking crushed-bone flesh wreck

I wrote that.

Shit, it's been so long since I've even stopped in here. I thought I would update.
I have this fantasy of drowning this town in gasoline, then setting it aflame, just to watch it burn. Let it burn to the ground as I sit on the edge of town sipping jack daniels, smoking cigarettes and listening to metal music from the inside of a stolen car. It's sad that I come up with shit like this on a regular basis, but this is by far my favourite.
I'd watch it burn as the jd corrodes my throat, followed by a nicotine chaser. The fire department would go down in flames bleeding all the irony in the world, as I observe the passing cars fleeing town to save their lives, barely noticing my non-existant presence, parked in the feild under the stars. It's kind of romantic in a way.
So, the other day I wrote another poem. My writing is getting better. It's growing more 3 dimensional every day. I showed it to a close friend and he interpreted it so differently, and gave it such a deeper meaning than what I had intended it to have. That's when I realized how clever it was. Good stuff. Anyway I should go. Later.

I went on a date with Thomas tonight and I was sober. It was hot.

THIS CALLS FOR A RON J WHOOT! "WHOOT!!" Ok, yeah major major fun. Amanda and I went to Aberdeen and I saw thomas. Holy hell he's so perfect. ok ok yeah so we show up at the end of jordans game, and we walk onto the field and Thomas and josh are hauling this bench inside, and thomas drops it and gives me a hug and says "hey ms.didn't call me". oh yeah me and amanda were pretty wasted when we got there. So yeah, we were just being losers and walking around in thier school and whatnot. Then... uhhh I dont really remember, amanda and I got into the car, tommy and I in the back seat, and amanda and jordan in the front and we were just sitting there. doing nothing. so we .. I dont know thomas and I were driving around and uhhh shit... ok well anyway we went to his schools award show, and I kept talking. I met his parents whenI was a mess. anbwyay, we go to jordans house, I walked into the alley, made out with thomas, uhm, amanda came out, we went home. the end. It was really, pretty much the best time ever.

hey its pretty cool how people actually commented on that. Makes me feel cool. anyway yeah soooo FUCK I HAD THE BEST DAY EVER yesterday. Out plan (amanda Chev and I) were going to Sasaktoon to watch corpsebride and do NOTHING all day. It was a good plan. so yeah anyway amanda and I go into sask. and amanda BRELAND calls, so we're like.. awesome. So we went shopping and I stretched my lobe to an 8 gauge. the other one is a 14 or 12. Anyway yeah hot. So we took her car to ABERDEEN to meet thomas and jordan. Yeah but he's sooo hot.
What a silly fucker. Anyway yeah so in Aberdeen we watched thier garage band play some music and it was hot. then we went to the bar and Amanda and Amanda pulled a 24. We got pissed, went and watched the movie, I chewed Thomas' thumb nail because I couldnt be quiet. Haha... good times. Anyway ok yeah the end... there's more I dont want to ruin a good story by finishing, although it gets better.

hey guyes guess what, I quit smoking. My teeth are pearly, my skin has cleared and my throat is no longer itchy. Oh and Im not shaking and convulsing in the middle of class when something pisses me off. It's awesome.
Aside from the fact that the withdrawls are driving me crazy and half the time I want to shoot myself in the face or kill someone, It's great.
Cheers to me.

Hey guys, I cut my own hair today and it is so good to hear it. Haha... anyway, yeah so it looks good. Im excited. I'm excited to go to the show on sunday (some kinda COOL KID show.) Haha I thought it was funny how Underoath is a christian rock band (I know. Hush) and they're playing on a sunday. Haha... god I hate christian rock, only underoath is actually pretty good. As long as they aren't using heavy(ish) music to preach; its all good. The Used is going to be there also, and alexisonfire, The used are a bunch of sellouts and alexisonfire is nothing special, they're just a screamo band made for mtv. Oh well.
On another note, THE LIPTON JUST FOR LAUGHS COMEDY TOUR IS COMING TO SASKATOON ON NOVEMBER 12th!!! Im sooo going. I love just for laughs. I can't WAIT. I dont care if I have to go alone, Ill be there. Im soo excited.
Anybody care to join me?

alright so, it's pretty friggen cool how nobody reads my fucking lj and shit, but whatever. I took somekinda gay ass survey that says Im a mental case and thats cool. I'm supposed to be going ot see the used ad alexisonfire and underoath next weekend. Its going to be fun although Im only going to see underoath considering the used is justa fucking sellout band and alexisonfire is just... not that good. There's supposed to be some kinda character named thomas that wants me because he heard about my fucking hardcore-gettingkickedoutoftheconcert800times-loud-obnoxious-drunk-self. Somehow that's attractive. Whatever floats your boat. Apparently he's hot too. What if he doesnt htink Im hot? I'll be crushed. So fucking crushed. Oh well Ill live somehow. It's so fucking boring here. It's saturday night and im sitting on the internet with nothing to do. Maybe Ill... update my whole journal.
Please come see it.
anyway here are my mental results.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

its been awhile. I was looking through my archives and I lead an interesting life. Anyway here's for old times sake.
X= its been done.

(x) Been drunk
(x) Kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) Kissed a member of the same sex
(_) Crashed a friend's car
(x) Rode in a taxi
(_) Been in love
(_) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(x) Been fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of my parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(_) Been arrested
(x) Made out with a stranger
(x) Stole something from my job
(_) Celebrated New Year’s in Time Square
(_) Went on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(_) Celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(x) Skipped school
(_) Slept with a co-worker
(x) Cut myself on purpose
(_) Been married
(_) Gotten divorced
(_) Had children
(probably) Seen someone die
(_) Had a crush on one of my livejournal friends
(x) Slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(x) Been on a plane
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Went snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Went moshing at a concert
(x) Had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(x) Been in an abusive relationship
(_) Gone to college
(_) Graduated college
(_) Tried killing yourself
(x) Taken pain killers for pain
(x) Intentionally burned oneself
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) I went to a prom
(_) I've bungee jumped
(_) I have been to a pop concert
(HA!) I have dated someone for a year or more
(XXX) I sold naked pictures of myself
(x) I have been in a car accident
(x) I have slept in the nude
(x) I've eaten cheesecake
(_) I've had jury duty
(x) I've hated someone without knowing them
(_) I have been to Maine
(x) I've shot a real gun
(_) I've had sex with someone within a week of meeting them
(x) I've made out with someone within 5 days of meeting them
(_) I've done ecstasy
(_) I've gotten my ass kicked
(x) I've been caught smoking
(_) I've milked a cow
(x) I've got in a verbal fight with a teacher
(_) Threw a party at a friends house when they were gone
(_) Done something w/a friend's bf/gf
(_) Done something with a bf/gf's sibling
(_) Committed a major crime
(x) Dated someone older than you are
(x) Gotten in trouble w/ the cops
(x) Ran away
(x) Given someone a hicky
(x) Got a hicky
(x) Got super drunk
(x) Went skinny dipping
(x) Lied about where you were going
(x) Lied about your age
(...maybe?) Flashed someone
(_) Had mono
(x) Beer bonged
(x) Got into a physical fight w/ a parent

hahaha good shit right there. Oh well yeah... nothing really new I talking to a bunch of dunk ass friends and uhm, went to the city today, I bought a tight purse and the interpol cd (antics). I saw charlie and the chocolate factory. I didnt really like it actually, I still love tim burton though.
ok yeah Im done.
Love you all.

hly shit. What a day. first day at work. Hectic. Im a stressball. Also because I found out some pretty heavy shit. I dunno. Shoot me now.